One more day, one more day.
Some of us have had the emotion of a loved one attempting to take their own life, or succeeding at it, thrust upon us. It is always considered a victory if we are able to step in and stop it...but is that feeling of relief rooted in selfishness, or is it really based on the other person's continued life?
How is it that we feel we know better? We don't allow people with reduced mental capacity to sign papers or make big decisions, so do we also take it upon ourselves to determine if a person is indeed capable of deciding whether they want to live?
When a person heads down that road it is often because they are so deep below the ground already that they are unable to see the horizon, let alone the sky. Our appointed 'watchers' are able to see the sky, and they hope hope hope for the best and want to pull you up and out...and their good intentions are real, and their concern and love is real...and often times they are right, and you can step out of the complete darkness, and sometimes you even make it past the world of gray and you find little joys, and occasionally joy bursts onto the scene in overwhelming light and color and relief.
The truth is; you have to decide if you want to continue, and whether the pain of holding on is out balanced by the joys you feel.
They say you can tolerate anything for ten seconds, but if you find yourself counting to ten over and over again, hanging on until the moment comes that you don't have to count, at least for a while, then is that life? Is being alive more important than having a life? Is what you offer to others around you more important than what you are handling yourself? No journey is completely yours, other people are involved in our lives, but no matter how involved in your life a person is; the experience is truly only yours.
We don't want to live in our heads, depression shatters our existence, and we don't want to live among those shards. It is not simply a matter of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and moving forward. Many people are able to live a full life with their depression, and there are things that we can do to help keep it under our boot, but it does get out, and that is where we have to rely on our watchers...and even that is iffy, because it is our job to let them know we need them, and when you feel like you are a burden and you are too much for them, then you don't really want to add to that. It is a completely faith based system. You have to have faith that they will help you, and they have to have faith that you will ask them to, and let them. It's a promise that you make to each other. One could question whether a promise is a contract, and if you are mentally incapable of deciding whether you continue to live or not, then are you contractually obligated to keep that promise?
It is all well and good to find things outside of yourself to love; your children, your family, people that need you in their lives...but you have to find the reason for you, and that is the tough part, because depression holds hands with self loathing. Suicide isn't selfish, when you are to that point, you see suicide as a gift, and devastating relief. When depression is brought on by something out of our control, like chronic pain or trauma, then it is easy to see the path to the end of that suffering...the problem with that, is that you are not around to enjoy the benefits.
Find your reason. Find your reason. Find.your.reason.
Your life is a gift, but it is yours...you share it, willingly or not...but, ultimately it is your decision. You only get to make it once.
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